Everything in the universe is interconnected and interdependent. Human beings are part and parcel of nature. We can live joyfully, peacefully and creatively if we have a healthy and harmonious relationship with nature and with each other. Unfortunately our thinking creates divisions and differences in so many different ways. These divisions deny love and are the main cause of so much conflict, misery and sorrow in the world.
The other day I was talking to a friend. He described his relationship with the world in a very simple way. He put a big dot on piece of paper and drew concentric circles around the dot. He said, “The dot in the center is the “me”. The concentric circles represent how much importance I attach to each person in my life. The value of the person decreases with the increase in the length of the radius.” I asked him on what basis he had made his assessments? He said, “In my mind I asked some questions. The answers to these questions determined the place a particular person occupies in my mind. For example I asked:
- How much the person had been useful to me in the past?
- How much the person is useful to me now?
- How much the person will be useful to me in the future?
- How much the person likes me, loves me and cares for me?
- Is the person obedient to me?
- Does the person give me company when I am lonely?
- Will the person care for me when I am sick?
- Does the person understand my likes and dislikes and is he/she supportive of my values and beliefs?
- Does the person appreciate me and give me respect?
- Does the person help me in the fulfillment of my desires and ambitions? etc.”
He explained to me why he has placed his wife in the foremost position. He said, “We are both sexually dependent on each other. Economically she is dependent on me but psychologically we are both dependent on each other.”
I asked him, is it not true that his relatives and friends have same expectations from him? He said, “As for as my family circle is concerned we have certain duties, responsibilities and obligations toward each other and we try to meet each others expectations, but outside this circle my relationship is purely utilitarian. I have some friends, some are just acquaintances and with some people I have business relationship. On the whole the relationship is based on give and take. If a person does not satisfy my needs or if I don’t like a person for a particular reason I move away from him and choose someone else.”
I asked him about his relationship with people who are outside these circles, i.e. with the world at large. He said, “I don’t care much about other people. Daily I am facing so many personal problems. Where is the time to be concerned about other people. There is nothing that I can do about the wars that are going on or about the poverty in the world.”
About the nature of his personal problems he said, “ Every day some business related problems and family issues crop up.“ In the business world, I have to be constantly vigilant so that I am not deceived or cheated by some selfish crook. I have to make sure that I remain ahead of my competitors. In the family, when ever someone’s expectation is not met there is a lot of hue and cry. Being the head of the family, I have to face lot of turmoil. By the end of the day, I am dead tired.” Even the children exhibit so much rivalry and feel jealous of each other. They sometime become aggressive and assertive and make me feel guilty. Everyone demands attention.”
About the impact of the problems on his body and mind he said, “I realize that any tension in the mind affects my health. But I cannot help. Sometime I get very much bored and frustrated and I want to run away from this prison but I can’t. I am so much attached to the family. They all depend upon me. One time I had an argument with my wife. She threatened to leave me. I was totally devastated. There was so much anxiety and fear in my mind. Luckily she did not carry out the threat. Where would she go? She is dependent on me economically and psychologically and moreover we have to take care of the children together. So we are tied to each other for ever. They say pleasure and pain are the two sides of the same coin. So life goes on.”
He added, “I am telling you all this because you are my close friend. No one else knows about what is going on in my family. From the image that I project to the outside world everyone knows that I am a very happy go lucky fellow.” I asked him if he really loves the family members. He replied, “Yes, I do, otherwise I would not be working so hard to cater to their ever-increasing demands and desires.”
From the above conversation it is clear that thinking is the foundation on which we have built the whole structure of our relationships. There is always a motive behind our thinking. The motive decides the action. From childhood the mind is being conditioned to think in terms of the “me” and “you”. We are trained to make self-interest and self-concern as the main focus in life. Life is governed by this self-enclosing and self-isolating thinking process. From childhood the mind is educated to treat itself as the center of the universe. The child is made to strive, up to the limits of his capacity, to make the rest of the universe minister to his selfish purposes.
When a child is born there is natural relationship between the mother and the child and then between the father and the child. He receives love, affection and care. This natural relationship gets corrupted when the parents start interfering with the natural growth and development of the child. They want the child to conform to the society. Parents, themselves being part and parcel of the society, want the child to fit into the society. Through comparison, through the system of reward and punishment, the parents and the society encourage the child to compete and become successful in order to serve mainly his interests and the interests of the family members.
Education is concerned with the cultivation of intellect and not of intelligence. No learning takes place about the totality and wholeness of life. Attachment and possessiveness form the basis of family relationships. Attachment is mistaken as an indication of love. The pursuit of personal pleasure and personal gain become the norm of life. Even the physical health is neglected. From early childhood habits are formed to eat food that caters to the taste buds with little care given to its nutritional value. No opportunity is given to the child to explore if there is something beyond thought based materialistic existence. Appreciation of beauty, sensitivity to nature, and responsibility toward environment and fellow human beings is given very little significance.
Living in the vast world we create these small circles of relationship which are very limited. This very limitation becomes the cause of strife and suffering in the world. Conflicting desires, demands and expectations inevitably create tension and stress. We want to solve the problems arising out of conflicting interests without touching the root cause of human predicament.
Need for psychological security forms the basis of self-interest and self-interest forms the basis of relationship. Psychologically, thinking is rooted in the idea of the “me” being separate from “you”. This naturally creates division between “me” and “you”. We take these divisions for granted because these divisions exist all over the world. Our own thinking creates these divisions and we treat these divisions as part of our “human nature.” The fact is that the “self” by its very nature is not secure. It is based on an idea. The idea about who “I” am. Idea is not the reality. But thinking treats the “self” as real. Because of this illusion, thinking is all the time trying to provide a sense of security, certainty, stability and permanency to the “self”.
This motive is ingrained in our thinking process. For example, thinking creates the feeling of certainty through the process of attachment with people, property, and with ideas and beliefs. Because of our own need for psychological security, we get attached to certain people and we call that attachment – love. But in the process we get isolated from other people to whom we are not attached. Unfortunately, attachment does not provide the certainty we seek because it is dependent on the whims, requirements, desires and demands of people on whom we depend.
An individual can never feel secure as long as he is isolating himself from the rest of the world. There is no way that an individual can be free from fear, loneliness and anxiety so long as the cause of the problem is not deeply understood. The understanding of the cause is the ending of the cause. Truth can come into being only when the false is seen as the false.
This is one of the best article i have read on this site and it goes onto make me more curious of what all is yet to come! Do you also conduct webinars or have any videos?
Attachment, that which we call “love” is actually an isolating force whether that attachment be to people, property, or belief systems. Nice! Very clear and straight forward. When something is said that is just so right (true, real, honest), it resonates.
I have thoroughly enjoyed reading the article: “Foundation of Relationship.”
Your article brilliantly demonstrates that failure to make certain kinds of distinctions, can, and, often do cause us tremendous pain and suffering in our lives. As such, failure to “observe” that the idea of who I am, is NOT the same as the reality of who I am. This seems to be the source of our collective crisis of perception.
Indeed, we typically regard the “stuff” as real, and, the “non-stuff” as not real or not consequential, when, the reverse is the case.
When we regard ourselves as individuals, and, as being real, we fail to see that we have just committed a category mistake, since, individuals are illusions! And, the “non-stuff” the undifferentiated stuff is most enduring, and, is in fact reality!
Hence, and, I agree with you artful conclusion, that is: “the understanding of the cause is the ending of the cause!
Thank you!!